That 1 million dollar question

Image via WikipediaWhenever I meet some PLUs or should I say those who are close to me--intimately and emotionally, I make it a point to tell them I am married.  I do not want to fool them.  Then they begin to ask a question:

"When did you realize you are gay/bisexual? Before or after the marriage?"

Answering this question is like undergoing a revalida.  An answer leads to a battery of questions.  It was uncomfortable. Suddenly, I scamper and grope for theories or schools of thought on homosexuality. I, myself is at a quandary "when, what, who, how."


Let's say it was a process -- with no distinct timelines and stages.  Experiencing it is like a fleeting moment, having to deal with the ups and downs of emotional turmoil, a fight between right and wrong, of social pressures and personal convictions, of happiness and sadness.  In the end, all that matters is that person within me who just longs for a warm embrace by someone who can fill in some things I need that my wife could not provide.
Sometimes, over-analyzing my situation leads me nowhere.  I am not at all happy when I am pushed to the precipice.  It is not fair to choose between gay life and married, straight life.

First it is unfair for the kids.  It is not their choice to have a father who is gay/ bisexual.  I should not allow them to suffer the consequences.  Once, I texted Badong (just mentioning the reason that wifey and I cannot get along well anymore, and I intentionally omitted the fact that I want to get out of marriage because I am gay), that I am planning to call my marriage quits.  Badong was born out of wedlock. He never had a father figure. He replied to my text message: "What about the kids?  Think about it first."  It was some sort of a wake up call.

Second it is unfair for the wife. She never knew I am into this now that we are 17 years into the marriage.  I married early on in my life after a failed relationship with my long-time girlfriend "S". I was on a rebound.  It went so fast like a whirlwind.  Wifey is 8 years my senior.But there is no denying I loved her.  It was in fact one of the most beautiful love stories, I think.  (will tell you later).

Third, it is also unfair to me.  I chose this life, so why should I regret anything?  It was my choice to get married.  Not that I was forced into it.  It was a moment in my life when I felt I was the most manly of all heterosexual males--an alpha male.  I was sure then.  I knew I was physically attracted to men, but I did not entertain them whenever I have a girlfriend.  Later on did I realize that the feeling of "gayness" comes in when I am not emotionally satisfied. And should I say I am not emotionally filled up in my marriage? Yes.  Many times, which must be the reason why I turned around and embraced that part of me which I have been suppressing since my college days.  And did I get to fill in the void?  Only for a while.  I never really get to satisfy that need through my homosexual relationships.

In my lifetime, too, I may not be able to discuss or explain, cognitively, my situation.  Again, it is a process.  It comes and goes. It strengthens or weakens.

It all depends on time.