You may not believe it, but it is true. I have stopped getting emotionally involved more than 4 years ago, and I allowed myself to vanish from the gay circles more that two years ago. Sex is very much a part of me, and sex with men adds spice to my otherwise heterosexual biological needs.
This was a self-imposed hiatus and hibernation. I do not know if I have to congratulate myself or not because from time to time, I still hanker for intimate moments with a man. I may appear to be pathetic, but sometimes, I do not feel that way either.
It was a hard decision, and it still is difficult to deal with the withdrawal symptoms. Sometimes you would just be tempted to go back to gay social networking sites again, which I just did a few weeks back (but still undecided if I really want to go back to the "old life"). Sometimes, I would plan to go to a massage parlor to get tickled here and there, but I am afraid somebody I know might see me. Over the years, I have met many people and I fear the possibility that that we would meet each other in one way or another.
One thing that holds me back is the anxiety within me. I have become afraid to try it once more. I have this paranoia that gay men have evolved after more than two years, and gay people are now different compared to some years back. Perhaps they have become wilder. Perhaps, they are more intimidating. Perhaps, they have become more choosy. Perhaps...perhaps...I do not know the playing field anymore.
When I tried PR and signed up again, I learned that, indeed, my hunches were somewhat true, which makes me more anxious about going back. I seem to have lost that confidence and flair in dealing with men. I seem to have lost the skill. Maybe I am just getting old, and I realize it is no longer my playing field. Wouldn't it be very awkward for a mature guy like me cruising in gay social networking sites?
It's a lot of sacrifice--a lot of suppressing and holding back. It takes a lot of courage to fight the temptation. But I am not a saint. I hanker for men. I love the thought of men caressing my body, nibbling my ears, kissing my nipples, french kissing me, sucking my member, and a lot more!
Do I want to lift the self-imposed hiatus? I am not yet sure. But then, I may drop the pants---with the right man.
And lastly, I am glad there is blogging where I can do mental masturbation.
Happy blogging to all!