“I DON’T KNOW how to say this but it is real. I told myself not to fall, but I am falling for you…”
These were the exact words I sent to Jason last night. Mushy, but it was or is real. I was supposed to tell him that, had our dinner pushed through. But he told me, after I called him and after I sent 3 text messages, which were left unanswered, that he was going out with his office-mates.
“Okay,” was my only response. I was speechless afterward. It was past 4:30 and we were supposed to meet by 5:00 pm—that is if his schedule would allow; if his prospective employer would not call him again for another meeting. I just shrugged it off, knowing that they have already met and he was given one week to decide on their offer. I know that because he called me at 8 pm that day on my way home—we were supposed to meet also that afternoon.
But yesterday my adrenaline rapidly plunged. At 4:30 pm, I just found myself staring blankly at the changing webshots screensaver of my monitor. “Not again,” I told myself. “But I will not be affected anymore. This is just like one of those many times he ignored my text messages, because I ‘know’ as he told me many times, he is not really into texting. I can get over it. It will come to pass.”
I MET JASON through the net, just like many of us do. He responded to a message I posted in another group. Luckily, we were both on-line when I read his response. We YMd each other and he gave me the web-link to his photo. I found him seductive and cute. In return, I sent my photo to him, and he said he found me sexy. He gave me his number and I immediately texted him. We exchanged messages and agreed to meet the next day, which we did.
I went to his place, got acquainted and got laid afterward. I guess it was the best sexcapade I had since I let go of myself meeting PLUs. It was different with him. Was it physical attraction? Maybe yes, but maybe more than physical attraction. Who would not fall for a hunk that he is? He’s got soft, thin lips. He’s got the warm body you would like to hug forever. He’s got the butts you would unceasingly stare at and cup in your hands. And most especially, he’s got that personality that would make you swoon. For so short a time, I found him really amiable.
Or maybe because we easily got at ease together. Because I found him very sincere and kind, I divulged the fact, after asking some bits of information about him, that we went to the same college and studied the same course. I even mentioned the names of our professors to substantiate my claim so that I could tell him I was not just creating a way so we could get closer. More, or less, we bonded because we had the same wavelength. I guess because we had the same training in the way we think, feel, and look at things. We even counsel each other.
Or maybe it was really different with him because I felt different after we had sex. I never cuddled with a man before. In my acquaintances, I just normally wash and dress up after having sex. We both liked to be cuddled, maybe because we happen to be the youngest of our kins. So, we lingered on his bed cuddling and kissing each other. I felt we were like lovers. And how could I forget the way he burrows his face on my neck, that sometimes, I feel like I am his father (which I loathe, of course!). I am 7 years his senior, and maybe it was alright with me cuddling “my son.” (Smile!). The next time we saw each other was even hotter than when we first met. And I began feeling differently for him. I began to miss him. In fact, a lot, that I would fall asleep thinking about him. How we kissed, touched, and held in each other arms.
Weeks past and I continued to send text messages. Again, he rarely responded. Although ‘he told me he is not a text maniac’, I could not explain why I was hurt. But my hurting suddenly slips away when he responds even with just a word or two, or even just a smiley. Maligaya na ako dun. Maybe because mababaw lang talaga ang kaligayan ko. But this is my assurance that he is still ‘in touch’ with me. With what has been going on between us, I formed a ‘truth’ about our relationship that ‘it is the way it is.’ After all, we had no commitments. Although I hate to use this term, it seems we were just “fuck buddies.” Well, how do I know if he does not cuddle the other men he meets through the net, the way we cuddle together? After all, many men are really hankering for and swooning over him.
I could forgive his not communicating with me. Who am I to oblige him to communicate with me, anyway? I may have expected a lot from him because of what has happened between us. (Again, the misconception that sex is equivalent to some deeper form of relationship). With the way things were going, I lowered my expectations. Hindi kami magsyota. Period. But then, I miss him so much. Jason is so irresistible! And who would not forget him when I see someone in the elevator in our office building who looks like him, who has the same build, hair, lips, and even the flirting glances he gives when I look at this guy. I wanted to flirt with that guy but I had to inhibit myself because I might just get into a scandal. (Kakahiya!)
One day I received an unexpected text message. He was sorry for not responding to my text message, which I sent days ago, because he had no load and he just broke with the guy he was dating for the past weeks. I was surprised. So that was it! Because he was dating another guy, he found no time communicating with me. Aray! Again, a pinch inside me. And why would it hurt me, anyway? After all, I also told him I also broke up with Jim after the Valentine’s day! We are both at ease with each other that we can share our heartaches and relationships with other guys. Call it a budding friendship? Yes, it is.
But of course, this situation gave me a glint of hope of at least meeting him again. Goodness! I never stoop this low for a guy! The last time I did this was when I tried to win--for the nth time, my girlfriend in college. This is against my personal conviction, na kung ayaw ng tao, e di ayaw! That is also my attitude with my straight friends, because I know for a fact that they have their own lives. That is why I never courted my ex-girlfriend again when she broke up with me for the last time and for some reasons that only she would know. Hindi naman ako ang sentro ng pagkatao at buhay nila! I ate my words and buried my convictions, and somehow made fool of myself asking (or call it begging) with my incessant text messages that we meet for dinner (and maybe some action if he feels like it.). I never cared if he gets mad at me. Maybe he was already mad at me. The first time, he told me he had a visitor at his place so he could not meet me. The second and third time, he had relatives visiting him. Fourth, he had a meeting with his prospective employer. Fifth, he went out with his friends even if we had an initial agreement we would meet. I felt like I was a fool, dumb, and hopeless romantic! Feeling ko, para akong gago!
KNOWING THAT we could not meet anymore yesterday, I felt like I was a log drifting in the sea. As I was walking to Shangri-la, my mind was aloft, unmindful of the people and cars that pass by. I decided earlier, instead, to just workout to relieve this feeling and brought my gym bag but I found out I neither had the energy to lift weights nor the speed to run on the treadmill. How could I? I could not even carry my feet to walk. It was the first time I felt this way. All my life, I have acted based on a clear purpose. But the mere fact that having a purpose is slowly vanishing, so I was adrift and at lost. After walking and lingering inside the mall, I finally gathered my wits and just decided to go home. But it was Friday and the MRT station was so jampacked and decided to go to National Bookstore to kill time. Again, I could not appreciate the new releases at the Filipiniana section. I wanted to buy the other books of F. Sionil Jose to complete my collection of his works, but I got no energy to even look at the titles I missed.
I felt so sorry for myself.
After a while, I decided to just go home because I was getting too tired of nurturing this feeling of ‘being dumped’ and having this sense of loss. While at MRT, I realized I needed to let this feeling out. And Jason has got to know. So I texted Jason what I felt for him.
I also told him I was sorry because I was hurting, and had to tell him what I feel for him. Then I received a response. “Finally,” I thought, “Nakaramdam din.”
“I am always here to be your friend. Ang drama mo, ha?”
“Thanks! Ayoko talaga main-love sa ‘yo. Kaya lang ‘yun talaga , e. Siguro nga ma-drama ako. Can’t help it, pare.”
No response.
“Thanks for still considering me your friend, kahit na iba ang feelings ko for you.”
No response.
Epilogue
It is a little poignant but I feel I have to share this because there are a lot of stories and painful experiences, and I get carried away. I have learned from them and hope you would learn from my story, too.
What would happen next would just be a gift of fate. If Jason truly feels he could still be my friend, it is up to him. I have always been a friend, in fact, more than a friend to him. If he happens to read this, it is my only wish that he would understand what I have gone through and how I feel each time I took each step…If my feelings for Jason will die, I do not know when…
Now, I have to start picking the broken pieces of my shattered emotions. If I could bring the pieces together again, there would be scars. But at least, I get to be whole again, and that is most important to me now.
And I quote from “Hope for the Flowers” --
These were the exact words I sent to Jason last night. Mushy, but it was or is real. I was supposed to tell him that, had our dinner pushed through. But he told me, after I called him and after I sent 3 text messages, which were left unanswered, that he was going out with his office-mates.
“Okay,” was my only response. I was speechless afterward. It was past 4:30 and we were supposed to meet by 5:00 pm—that is if his schedule would allow; if his prospective employer would not call him again for another meeting. I just shrugged it off, knowing that they have already met and he was given one week to decide on their offer. I know that because he called me at 8 pm that day on my way home—we were supposed to meet also that afternoon.
But yesterday my adrenaline rapidly plunged. At 4:30 pm, I just found myself staring blankly at the changing webshots screensaver of my monitor. “Not again,” I told myself. “But I will not be affected anymore. This is just like one of those many times he ignored my text messages, because I ‘know’ as he told me many times, he is not really into texting. I can get over it. It will come to pass.”
I MET JASON through the net, just like many of us do. He responded to a message I posted in another group. Luckily, we were both on-line when I read his response. We YMd each other and he gave me the web-link to his photo. I found him seductive and cute. In return, I sent my photo to him, and he said he found me sexy. He gave me his number and I immediately texted him. We exchanged messages and agreed to meet the next day, which we did.
I went to his place, got acquainted and got laid afterward. I guess it was the best sexcapade I had since I let go of myself meeting PLUs. It was different with him. Was it physical attraction? Maybe yes, but maybe more than physical attraction. Who would not fall for a hunk that he is? He’s got soft, thin lips. He’s got the warm body you would like to hug forever. He’s got the butts you would unceasingly stare at and cup in your hands. And most especially, he’s got that personality that would make you swoon. For so short a time, I found him really amiable.
Or maybe because we easily got at ease together. Because I found him very sincere and kind, I divulged the fact, after asking some bits of information about him, that we went to the same college and studied the same course. I even mentioned the names of our professors to substantiate my claim so that I could tell him I was not just creating a way so we could get closer. More, or less, we bonded because we had the same wavelength. I guess because we had the same training in the way we think, feel, and look at things. We even counsel each other.
Or maybe it was really different with him because I felt different after we had sex. I never cuddled with a man before. In my acquaintances, I just normally wash and dress up after having sex. We both liked to be cuddled, maybe because we happen to be the youngest of our kins. So, we lingered on his bed cuddling and kissing each other. I felt we were like lovers. And how could I forget the way he burrows his face on my neck, that sometimes, I feel like I am his father (which I loathe, of course!). I am 7 years his senior, and maybe it was alright with me cuddling “my son.” (Smile!). The next time we saw each other was even hotter than when we first met. And I began feeling differently for him. I began to miss him. In fact, a lot, that I would fall asleep thinking about him. How we kissed, touched, and held in each other arms.
Weeks past and I continued to send text messages. Again, he rarely responded. Although ‘he told me he is not a text maniac’, I could not explain why I was hurt. But my hurting suddenly slips away when he responds even with just a word or two, or even just a smiley. Maligaya na ako dun. Maybe because mababaw lang talaga ang kaligayan ko. But this is my assurance that he is still ‘in touch’ with me. With what has been going on between us, I formed a ‘truth’ about our relationship that ‘it is the way it is.’ After all, we had no commitments. Although I hate to use this term, it seems we were just “fuck buddies.” Well, how do I know if he does not cuddle the other men he meets through the net, the way we cuddle together? After all, many men are really hankering for and swooning over him.
I could forgive his not communicating with me. Who am I to oblige him to communicate with me, anyway? I may have expected a lot from him because of what has happened between us. (Again, the misconception that sex is equivalent to some deeper form of relationship). With the way things were going, I lowered my expectations. Hindi kami magsyota. Period. But then, I miss him so much. Jason is so irresistible! And who would not forget him when I see someone in the elevator in our office building who looks like him, who has the same build, hair, lips, and even the flirting glances he gives when I look at this guy. I wanted to flirt with that guy but I had to inhibit myself because I might just get into a scandal. (Kakahiya!)
One day I received an unexpected text message. He was sorry for not responding to my text message, which I sent days ago, because he had no load and he just broke with the guy he was dating for the past weeks. I was surprised. So that was it! Because he was dating another guy, he found no time communicating with me. Aray! Again, a pinch inside me. And why would it hurt me, anyway? After all, I also told him I also broke up with Jim after the Valentine’s day! We are both at ease with each other that we can share our heartaches and relationships with other guys. Call it a budding friendship? Yes, it is.
But of course, this situation gave me a glint of hope of at least meeting him again. Goodness! I never stoop this low for a guy! The last time I did this was when I tried to win--for the nth time, my girlfriend in college. This is against my personal conviction, na kung ayaw ng tao, e di ayaw! That is also my attitude with my straight friends, because I know for a fact that they have their own lives. That is why I never courted my ex-girlfriend again when she broke up with me for the last time and for some reasons that only she would know. Hindi naman ako ang sentro ng pagkatao at buhay nila! I ate my words and buried my convictions, and somehow made fool of myself asking (or call it begging) with my incessant text messages that we meet for dinner (and maybe some action if he feels like it.). I never cared if he gets mad at me. Maybe he was already mad at me. The first time, he told me he had a visitor at his place so he could not meet me. The second and third time, he had relatives visiting him. Fourth, he had a meeting with his prospective employer. Fifth, he went out with his friends even if we had an initial agreement we would meet. I felt like I was a fool, dumb, and hopeless romantic! Feeling ko, para akong gago!
KNOWING THAT we could not meet anymore yesterday, I felt like I was a log drifting in the sea. As I was walking to Shangri-la, my mind was aloft, unmindful of the people and cars that pass by. I decided earlier, instead, to just workout to relieve this feeling and brought my gym bag but I found out I neither had the energy to lift weights nor the speed to run on the treadmill. How could I? I could not even carry my feet to walk. It was the first time I felt this way. All my life, I have acted based on a clear purpose. But the mere fact that having a purpose is slowly vanishing, so I was adrift and at lost. After walking and lingering inside the mall, I finally gathered my wits and just decided to go home. But it was Friday and the MRT station was so jampacked and decided to go to National Bookstore to kill time. Again, I could not appreciate the new releases at the Filipiniana section. I wanted to buy the other books of F. Sionil Jose to complete my collection of his works, but I got no energy to even look at the titles I missed.
I felt so sorry for myself.
After a while, I decided to just go home because I was getting too tired of nurturing this feeling of ‘being dumped’ and having this sense of loss. While at MRT, I realized I needed to let this feeling out. And Jason has got to know. So I texted Jason what I felt for him.
I also told him I was sorry because I was hurting, and had to tell him what I feel for him. Then I received a response. “Finally,” I thought, “Nakaramdam din.”
“I am always here to be your friend. Ang drama mo, ha?”
“Thanks! Ayoko talaga main-love sa ‘yo. Kaya lang ‘yun talaga , e. Siguro nga ma-drama ako. Can’t help it, pare.”
No response.
“Thanks for still considering me your friend, kahit na iba ang feelings ko for you.”
No response.
Epilogue
It is a little poignant but I feel I have to share this because there are a lot of stories and painful experiences, and I get carried away. I have learned from them and hope you would learn from my story, too.
What would happen next would just be a gift of fate. If Jason truly feels he could still be my friend, it is up to him. I have always been a friend, in fact, more than a friend to him. If he happens to read this, it is my only wish that he would understand what I have gone through and how I feel each time I took each step…If my feelings for Jason will die, I do not know when…
Now, I have to start picking the broken pieces of my shattered emotions. If I could bring the pieces together again, there would be scars. But at least, I get to be whole again, and that is most important to me now.
And I quote from “Hope for the Flowers” --
"I do my thing, and you do your thing. If by chance we meet each other, again [sic], that’s beautiful.”
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