Half of feeling good about ourselves is in embracing our goodness and giftedness. The other half is in reconciling with our weaknesses and limitations. The crucial factor lies in our attitudes when we look into these dimensions of ourselves…While we do not have control over our lives’ circumstances, we are ultimately in control of our attitudes toward them—Earnest Tan, “How to Attract Love/ Living Life Fully)
The mere thought that the second object in the title is “elevator,” this article may sound kinky. I am a very observant person. I always pay attention to the people around me, especially in elevators despite the piercing eyes when they catch you “ogling” them. As days go by, you would become more familiar with the faces in the elevator. You would know who are in the same company or in groups, visitors (of course with their IDs), who gets off in what floor, who makes you laugh with their antics and even looks, and of course, those who attract you most.
How many times have I experienced having attracted to a number of guys in the elevator?
There was this boyish, tall and lanky guy who was in his early 20’s, who had “mapungay na mata” (and almost teary eyed) and who could pass as a commercial model. He was one of my constant companions during “shabu” time at the backdoor of our office building. I think he was one of the guys who can have sex with you for the right price. I just know (and I do not know why? Instinct?). Maybe, because he knows how to flirt by looking at you in the eye. Sayang, he transferred to another company in RCBC in Makati. How did I know this? You might think I was stalking him. I chanced upon this same guy in the smoking area of RCBC, when I had a meeting with one of the partners who are in the same building. So, I thought that was the reason why he was no longer seen in the “shabu” area. I never got the chance to know even his name.
Another is this maintenance guy who had a well developed body and I just love his bulging back and shoulder muscles (which I wish I have!). He is definitely working out in the gym because of his good body proportions. And he is no ordinary maintenance/ “all around” guy. He has a potential as a sexy star or a model in one of the sleazy gay magazines. He just needs to fix his teeth. He is just so sexy, I think.
Another is Ace. He is short, moreno, average built, but handsome. And how did I get to know his name? One of his colleagues called him by his first name, and I was ecstatic that, at last, I got to know his name! At first he did not make a good impression on me, because he is short and not really stunning. But I guess, his aquiline nose and flawless skin (which I envy, of course) made me think otherwise. And when he had his hair highlighted with light brown, it made him look more handsome to me. But then, I thought that he was just one of those good looking guys. Besides, he is married like me. I saw him wearing a wedding ring, and so I thought that the chubby lady he was holding hands with on their way to the parking lot, is his wife.
One time while I was waiting for the elevator going down, he was also passing through coming from one of their offices in the same floor where our office is located. He was holding a piece of paper with his left hand, and he walked lazily and swaying his hand. When the elevator was about to open, he was already walking towards me and smiled. Then I was just so surprised that as he walked from behind, he brushed that piece of paper on my butt. The corridor was too wide enough for the two of us and why would he do that to me, I thought. Was he flirting with me? Sayang, because the elevator was already open and I needed to get in while he was also passing through the exit door going to the staircase.
I chanced upon him again one time after lunch and I was on my way up. We were waiting at the ground floor and of course, I looked at him again because it has been a long time since we rode the elevator together. As usual, he wore that smile that reminds me of Rainier of Starstruck (although a bit tamer). So as not to be obvious about my attraction to him, I pretended looking at the entrance door and the people entering the building. But I had this feeling I was also being stared at. True enough, I saw him looking at me with his stealing glances, but turned away too when he knew that I noticed him. We rode the same elevator and still, we exchanged glances but never dared to really look each in other’s eyes. Haaay…how long would this go on? On the other hand, maybe he was just wondering why I was looking at him. I am not the type of guy you would stare at and get mesmerized forever! So maybe, he thinks I am attracted to him that makes him flirt (with me?).
And of course, Ricky, that guy who looks like Jason. Jason and I were still on good terms when I chanced upon Ricky. When I saw him in the elevator, I thought he looks like somebody I know. He was about 5’4”, has a broad body build and a flawless face. Just like Jason, he was sporting a craft cut hair. He is young and “delicious.” In short, I was also attracted to him. Just like with Ace, we also exchanged glances. Any maybe, just like Ace, he might also be wondering why I probed him with lust. Sometimes, he gets so conscious that he looks away. But sometimes I catch him looking at me, especially when I am wearing a body fitting shirt which shows my pecs and arms. He would straighten up his body too and shows what he’s got. Well, I thought he is not interested in me, because “he is straight!”
But one thing changed my mind. One day when the elevator was full, (of course we rode that elevator together), it so happened that I stood beside him and just like riding the MRT, you could feel somebody else’s skin and (even sweat!). He was standing facing my left side and both his hands were guarding his crotch (as in “tikas pahinga position” in CMT/ CAT). Maybe, just like anyone of us, it is “dyahe” when you get a hard-on in times like this. In the middle of the elevator flight, I felt something brushing my left hip, and realized it was his hand brushing against me. It would be understandable if we were in MRT and the curves and sudden stops would make you lean on the person next to you. But it was the elevator and it wasn’t a bumpy ride. We exchanged glances again, and we seem to have understood each other’s action and reaction. However, realizing his moves, he moved away a little. Goodness, I love the touch on my hips, and why did he stop brushing me there?!
Just like Mr. Maintenance and Ricky, I still see Ace in the elevator. Sometimes Mr. Maintenance even goes to our office to deliver some memo from the building administrator. Ace is still the same, smiling and handsome guy. We still exchange glances. And do I begin stalking Ricky when I schedule my “shabu session” at 11:00 AM to see him coming from the carpark canteen?
And I begin to ask myself again. Is it really worth investing my time and effort to know these guys more than just seeing them at the elevator? Ultimately, it is me who should take a stand on these exciting encounters at work.
We meet people in all walks of life. Being attracted to a “delicious” guy is just a normal feeling in the world of bi/ gay people. After all, most people, and not only gays, choose their partners on the basis of physical attraction. Being attracted to someone or being attractive to someone, is a very healthy and beautiful experience that is a part of the human game of flirting and eventually courting and getting laid and getting married, or getting married and getting laid.
However, as I get older I am realizing, that being gay, is not just physical. After all, I am a human being molded and living (and sometimes forced to living) in or up to so many facets of life. But does this mean I lack the sexual urge to satisfy my physical needs? Is it normal when I know I am gay and not feel wanting for sex for a long time now? There had been invitations for a threesome or one-on-one sex, but why do I turn down these offers? And why do I still get attracted when, in fact I do not want to have sex with them, anyway? I may sound a bit confusing. I really am. It is because being gay is still a puzzle to me, just like any one of us? Maybe.
One learning from my encounters with the men in the elevator is being able to acknowledge that I am attracted to beautiful men. And this, for me is a wonderful experience because I do not only get to appreciate beauty, but also i get to understand another part of my persona or psyche. This is not normal in the “straight world,” but I get to appreciate the other side of myself. If I were a coin, and if I got used to being a head, now I begin to see the wonders of being a tail. (O kung ikaw ay tansan na dating nakataob, ngayon naman nakatihaya ka na. Smile). And most of all, I could control my urges. If I were a flirt, I would have quit my job because of the controversy I would make when I pursue these beautiful men in the elevator.
That is why, Earnest Tan is right when he said, “While we do not have control over our lives’ circumstances, we are ultimately in control of our attitudes toward them.” These men are beautiful, and they are just there for me to admire and ogle at. Nothing more than that!
BUT, (and there is a big BUT – not butt) if by chance they express the same feeling, do I have to think twice?!