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7.22.2004

Older men, Younger men - Part 2

Last week, I went to Shangri-la to scout for a digital camera at Level 6 stores.  When I was done, I saw two guys infront of the elevators.  The other man was well in his 40s and the other one was in his early 20s or even younger.  The younger guy was even sporting a hair “arrangement” that would scare the lizards out.  Definitely, they were not the case of a father and son, as I heard the older guy saying, “Let’s go, to my car.”  Besides, the younger guy, who was good enough to be his son, did not act like one.  “Hmmnnn! Interesting!” I thought.

That incident brought back one of my unforgettable experience in Baguio.  I was young and fresh from college, I found solace in watching the sun go down while sitting on the benches along the Burnham Lake.  At sundown, I decided to take a few rounds of stroll around the lake, and then returned to my bench when my feet got sore.  So while massaging my legs and twisting my ankles, a matured guy, sat beside me and introduced himself as a bank manager, and told me he is gay and he was looking for someone he could hook up with, and further asked if I can satisfy his sexual hunger pangs that night.

Being new to that “trade” I got so scared and politely said, “No, I am not into it.”  When I was about to leave, he grabbed my crotch and massaged me there.  I am a hypocrite if I say I was not aroused.  Of course, I did like it.  I thought that maybe it was a good diversion because then, I just broke up with my girlfriend. But it scared the hell out of me.  Besides, it was my first time to have an encounter with a gay!  So I had to politely beg him to excuse me because I was really scared.  Maybe he was gay and I was not really into it and he was much, much older than me.  Of course the rest was history…

Not so long time ago, one of my previous text mates from another group felt comfortable meeting me after knowing I am almost his age of 38.  This is for the main reason that he had qualms meeting guys younger than him.  For him, he just feels so awkward meeting younger men but did not elaborate much other than telling me it was just his preference.

The fact that some men in their 30s (early, mid- or late) who feel awkward meeting men younger than them, is still indecipherable to me. In my observations, the physical attributes becomes very obvious, and the noticeably gap in terms of age follows.  That is why if you read Part I, I almost abhorred myself when I met Aaron, who was younger than me.

Whether we like it or not people around us would begin to wonder why on earth would these two obviously “mature” and “young” guys meet?  In this case, we tend to cast a doubt on the goings on between them, even if they turn out to be brothers or colleagues.  We have been accustomed to the fact that people of the same age range normally go together, in what we label as “friends” or “buddies.” Hence, whenever we see an older guy with younger men, we label it as deviant or strange.  Then our creative minds wonder and wander and commit the “sin” of judging based on what we merely saw, and creatively making up stories about them.

What could be the reasons why older men would not like to be seen in a company of a stranger “bagets”, and reasons why older men prefer to meet men their age?

Could it be the stigma attached to gays being sex-starved creatures? 

Older men are oftentimes stereotyped as “nanghahada ng mga bagets,” which is a negative association of course.  For the past decades, this label that goes with older gay men, no matter how straight-acting they could be, has already been ingrained in the Filipino psyche and consciousness. 

On the other hand, some older men do prefer younger men.  In the same thread of thought, straight men do like younger women.  Therefore, does it go without saying that men, by nature, are allured by the virginal nature of men and women?  In gay relationships, do older men like younger partners because of the fact that “wala pa silang sungay” and they would not have any qualms with the sex part, as younger men are craving and experimenting about sex?  I also have the impression that older men could easily “manipulate” younger men because they have, in fact, mastered the ropes of the trade.  If they are the domineering type, they could easily bully “kids” and get what they want. But oftentimes, we are surprised, younger men are even more experienced in gay sex than mature men like me.  Is it because these mature men like me, who were suppressed in the early or late 80s, and that their new-found freedom in a more tolerant society now making them make up for the “lost time?” 

I asked one of my buddies why he likes going out with me, when in fact he is younger than me.  He simply said that he likes the company of older men.  Secondly, he prefers “experienced” guys who are either older and/ or married guys like me.  For him, it is just different having sex with an older or a married guy.  In my experience, younger men, in fact, do want older men or even married men.  Besides, older and single men, having established their own careers, already have their “own place” and the younger men (just like anyone of us, maybe), feel uncomfortable in the company of a man going to motels or apartelles, and perhaps, fear being labeled as “pusong bayaran.”

It is interesting; however, that younger men do seek more “mature” people for some reasons only they would know.  Maybe it is for the thrill of having sex with someone who is married or someone “old” and experienced enough to know the part of your anatomy where it tickles most.  Maybe, many younger men want not just getting BJ’d or stuffed from behind, or the other way around. Maybe, they want to feel more important to their older partner, who unlike younger partners, take sex merely as a game. 

So this is not the case of “nanghahada” or “pahada,” I guess.  It seems a preference in exchange of some psychological reward for each one of us.

Well, whatever it is, it is about preferences.  Age-preferences for sexual partners depend on the need of someone who seeks sex.  Whether it is just for the thrill or for emotional intimacy or sense of security is just a matter of understanding each other’s needs.

Oftentimes, among ourselves, we regard each other as merely sex objects.  Whether sex should be attributed to love or some intimacy is not the point of my discussion. 

So where does discussion this lead me?  Our preferences are masked by some needs only we could explain.  And these needs are, sometimes, left unfulfilled.  I would like to ask, therefore, whether it is wrong or okay to be SENSITIVE?  As I have mentioned, forget love in this discussion.  I ask this question because I would like to believe that when we have sex with someone, we offer our SELF to someone and we have needs that must be fulfilled.  Otherwise, mabibitin lang tayo and we end up frustrated.

Are we talking about just our testicles and penises?

For me, being sensitive is getting to know whether your partner, young or old, would like some psychological boost—that is the need to belong, to be important, to be cared for, or simply be hugged after being fucked and sucked.

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