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1.14.2005

Retrospect

“We need to go back to what is more basic in us—persons endowed with a human spirit, full of potentials and capable of million possibilities. It is up to us to choose to be the persons that we are or want to be.” (Ernest Tan, in “Human Intimacy”).

Last January 2, I felt an urge to send Jason a text message to greet him a “Happy New Year!” Though I never expected him to reply, he did reply. For a while, we exchanged messages. I learned he has moved from Mandaluyong to Las Piñas.

“Ang layo! “Pinaglalayo na tayo ng tadhana,” I replied in jest.

“Nasa magkabilang parte na tayo ng mundo.” He now lives in the south and I am from the north.

“Oo nga eh. Inilalayo ka talaga sa akin, ha ha ha!” Then he asked how my family is, and I replied that we are okay. “I texted you because I also remembered something today. Do you remember that we met last January 2? It was a Saturday.”

“Oo nga.” He laughed.

Silence.

“So how’s your boyfriend?”

“Six months na kami.”

“Good to hear that! I wish your relationship would even get stronger.” And I told him it’s been a while and I wonder how he looks like now, and asked if he could send me his picture through MMS. After a few minutes, I got his MMS. He sent a picture of him with his boyfriend. For a while, I was stunned. Propriety dictated, however, I had to thank him for his effort, and wished him the best of the New Year.

Again, I stared at the picture. I was speechless. Mixed emotions rushed over me. Was it happiness that he still trusted me by sending this picture? Was he making me jealous when he sent me their picture instead? Why is the lump in my throat? Was I beginning to choke? Bakit may kurot sa dibdib?

I could not describe my feelings at that time. I thought I have overcome my feelings for him? I thought I have promised myself not to get affected by him? I thought it was all over?! I was mad as hell at myself, that I could not decipher everything. Then I remembered my text buddy-Mel, who has always been keeping me sane all these time. I poured it all to him. He did not reply. Perhaps, he was already asleep. And I slept with the nagging thoughts about Jason and his lover.

The next morning, Mel got mad. He told me to tell Jason to stop making things that will hurt me. (Thanks, friend.). But I told him, I was the one who asked. And I just made fun of the situation by sleeping on it and I was okay. “I just have to learn to face the truth. The painful truth.” I said.

At nighttime, I felt I was so bloated. With all the food during the holidays, I needed to cleanse. So I sat by the windowpane sipping my favorite green tea. Mushy, but at that moment, I also took the chance to look back how my life has become for the past year. I, myself, was amused at my behavior thinking if I had to undergo the “necessary” personal retrospection. I was in my lonesome in the middle of the night and I thought I had so much of television and even computer games to keep my mind preoccupied. So I preferred to indulge in my solitude and begin to answer questions that have been nagging my mind.

In my solitude, I came up with several realizations. First, I need to adopt some changes in my life. Second, I have to face my fears. Third, I must live happily and contentedly. The first and third seems easy for me because I consider myself a chameleon. The second would serve as the bridge between the first and the third. So I figured out how I am going to make my second realization happen. It is not easy facing and conquering your fears. But what are my fears anyway? And that is the first step I have to take. Not leap over it, but dealing with it one at a time.

In my deep thought, it came to a point that I have to face my issue about Jason. It has been a baggage I have been tugging along for a year, which was affecting me, and I need to drop it, once and for all. And proudly, I can say, I can discuss about him without any hurt feeling or remorse. Jason’s story is a wonderful experience. But I have to move on, because it also pained me a lot experiencing him. And I want to take away that pain just like the process of flushing out my bloated stomach. As a way of taking away this pain, I have erased his picture in my phone’s memory—in my memory, and the healing process, which started last year, would again resume this year, in fact as soon as I have started writing this article.

Before writing this article, I read “Falling in Love with Jason” again, and just smiled, and realized how fool have I become. I could laugh again, I realized.

And I thank my friends who have always showered me their affection and understanding and comfort. And I begin to muse, am I ready to fall in love again? Hopefully…somehow, someday, sometime, sana…but this time without much expectations.

With this, I cap my article this week with a quotation from my favorite author, Ernest Tan.

“How wonderful it would be if all could look back and not react anymore—capable of understanding the circumstances of the past, accepting the persons for their limitations, forgiving things for not being what we want and need and expect them to be—and choosing instead to respond to life and its situations.”


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