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6.06.2005

Not another Jason

It’s been a long while since I have not written an article. I think the last one was “Going in circles” where I discussed about the serendipitous events last December and early this year.

In that article, I mentioned about meeting guys like Jason, Rob, Mel, Fil, Eman, Mart and Den. I mused with the fact that, in one way or another, we will meet people who happen to know people we know or who happen to be related to one another. That what happened to me was perhaps due to some celestial forces. “We meet people not because they are accidental. They have a purpose in our lives.” And I have realized the reason why they have come to my life. And I quote from that article:

“Reflecting on what has been happening to me, I realize their purpose in my gay life.

With Jason, I have learned how to love and let go of my feelings, yet be careful enough that you always keep your feet on the ground.

With Rob, Eman and Mel, I have learned that friendships in the net do exist, and giving it a chance would entail openness to possibilities, as well as trust and confidence. Whether or not this would last, is just a matter of fate and time.

With Mart, I have never seen him since then. Well, people come and go. They pass by your lane and try to peep what is going on. If they were interested, they would linger. If not, I still thank them because it is nice to know someone like me, who is always in hiding.

With Fil, it is nice to know someone lovable like him, and wish you would always cuddle him forever.

With Jim, loving is letting go, so we could move on with our lives.
And meeting Den would always be a special one for me.”


SO I DATED Den again. It did not work out. It just did not work out. I think there were just too many “DO’s and DON’T’s” on his part. I thought that although I restrict myself at times, I am also a free-spirited person who would do anything for love. Though we share the same status, there were just so many incompatibilities. But more than other reasons, I thought the spark was no longer there. I was not hurt. In the first place, I have learned my lesson with Jason. Neither did I invest emotionally nor physically, except for time, effort and a few hundred pesos for dinner, coffee and transportation. (Of course we shared the bill.). Nothing much to lose, I guess.

So that was also the time when I thought I wanted to be more carefree and enjoy the rest of my youth (if there was still anything left!). I signed up with this popular gay site. Although I have met only just a very few of them, I enjoyed staying in there. I would say it’s like a supermarket of gorgeous guys! What? With no qualms and inhibitions, what else could you ask for? I thought I would enjoy it. So there were invitations for sex, or I would invite them. We agreed to meet, but they never materialized. I was just so darn busy I could not even think of going out with a total stranger. I would rather dine out with Rob and Eman if I just wanted some company.

One night, a guy named Jason sent me a message. Oh no! Not again. Not another Jason! Although “my Jason” has another name, the mere fact that I called him “Jason,” he “is” Jason in my mind (and in my articles). After I have gotten over “my Jason,” here is another Jason, who is probably also hiding behind that name. He is cute, anyway, and I thought I knew him from one of my friendship networks. So to say, he is a friend of a friend. I mused with what he has to offer. He was inviting for some sex. I already forgot how I responded but the next thing I knew was we exchanged numbers, email and YM.

We texted each other every so often and we both anticipated for the next text message. He felt the same. One time, he called me “love”. I was elated, of course! Here is a cute guy uttering his term of endearment to me. So my heart was tickled once more, and perhaps, after Jim, Jason, and Den, my heart is ready to beat differently, again.

One day, when we were exchanging text messages, he began to be intimate. He sent me messages and that he anticipates my text messages. His words were so warm and tender that could make your heart melt and wish you would meet him face to face that moment. The problem was, he is from out-of-town, so the thought of having a long distance affair crippled even my flimsiest imagination of a possible relationship. So I just entertained his advances, responding in the best way I could. Then out of the blue, I texted him.

“Puwede bang manligaw?”

“Oo naman! Ikaw pa!”

LITERALLY, I courted him. In no time, naging kami. I would say I was in cloud nine that time. Literally, we burned the lines, even when I was out of town and the phone bill soared like the way I felt for Jayson (this time with a Y, so there is a difference, after all! Smile!). That prompted me to buy Sun prepaid so we can talk with each other more less the worry on my or his phone bill. See what love can do?!

Then the day came for our first meeting. It was absolutely weird that we became lovers even if we haven’t seen each other. I was so paranoid! What if he used someone else’s photo? What if he was not as cute as he is in his photo? But then, who cares? If he is not the one in the photo, I have already prepared my dialogue. I would say “I am sorry but you are not the one I fell in love with.” As simple as that. So what if he is not as cute? Everyone puts their best shot in their profiles, except of course for those who are model material who are really cute, photogenic, and really oozing with sex appeal. I fell in love not with the face but with the character. If he is a nice guy, then I believe I could continue with the relationship.

So we finally met. He is not as cute, but cute, nonetheless. A bit matured than his photo, but he is for real. We had great time together. Really great time! I say this because when you are lovestruck, you could hardly bid each other your goodbyes, and wish you could just cuddle each other forever.

We continued texting each other. One whole day was not even enough for us to know each other well. I think that was understandable. At the start, we both confessed that we were both married. I think that made us compatible since the start. We both knew our limitations. We agreed. So it does not matter if I could not text him 8PM and beyond because he is with his wife. That was fine with me. I was comfortable with that. But there were times of course I would send him text messages at night telling him how much I missed his company and wished we could be together again. He would respond 30 minutes or so later, telling me he sneaked out of their bedroom. It felt so exciting! I felt like I was a “querida”. (Smile!)

So along the way, we discovered bits and pieces about our lives. And we were both amused at the startling revelation. We were both born on the same day, only several minutes away, in the same year. At heto pa, we share the same name. He thought I was just kidding when I told him my birthday! He even accused me of reading his other profiles that is why I knew that information about him. He believed me eventually. No wonder, we have the same mood swings and hopeless romantic! Now, that is truly serendipitous! Are we soul mates?

I guess at that time, we were comfortable with our set up. Long distance relationship. Limitations. Restrictions. We were happy.

There were times though, that I felt so lonely. Here I was, having a lover but not by my side. I longed for his company. I wanted to dine out, watch movies, go malling with him as often I wanted. But it was not just possible. Then the thought of him meeting another guy entered in my mind. So was him. Of course I assured him that although I was traveling and meeting guys, it was just for pure friendship and acquaintance. No hanky panky. He gave his trust and confidence. I gave mine. After all, we are both matured persons and we just have to trust each other.

We continued our communication through text messages. Oftentimes, I called him. Sadly though, I was always the one who initiated. I greeted him every morning. I checked on him if he had his lunch. I always wished him that he goes home safely to his family. At night, I texted him to have a good rest…and so on…But never did he initiate. The ever thinking animal that I am, no matter how hopeless romantic that I can be, I pondered on our situation. Was it worth keeping the torch burning? It looked like I was the only one concerned about this relationship. So instead of initiating, I waited for his call or text messages. Nada. But I could not help it. So I checked on him. He was just busy with training and overseeing his sales staff. I understood. We both need to earn. I have no right to question that. But I was so darn busy too. Yet I could still find time to text him. Eventually, I told him I am not happy with what he is doing to me. So eventually, he started communicating again. Then off he went. I am a person with pride. I did not initiate after that.

For weeks, we did not text each other. Finally, I bid him goodbye. We were both hurt. But I told him, it’s not gonna work out. I assured him there was no other guy. IT was my decision and it was time for me to have some rest from this way of life. He gave me freedom.

We still communicate. While I am writing this, I am texting him. Kumustahan. No strings attached. I asked him if he already met another guy. He texted back: “Why? Do you still want to see me?” I am dumbfounded. I have no words for that. I am not ready for those kinds of questions.

Right now, I enjoy my freedom. Free from any obligations and responsibilities. Free from expectations. And freedom from fear and anxiety. You know what I mean by this.

Loving a person, and be loved in return is one of the best things that could happen to my life. I will always cherish that. And I always thank Jayson for loving me. I always believed that I could love a man. I did. But I never thought of the possible consequences. I think I was not ready for that. Committing to someone takes more than just saying “I love you” to each other. It takes more than that. Had it happened earlier in my life, it would have been a different story. Rob told me: Who told you to get married? Ikaw kasi!” Of course marriage came first then the discovery. Had you been in my own shoes, you would know what I mean.

Right now, I am free. I have stopped meeting new guys except for Rob, my friend. And it feels good to be free.

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1 comment:

  1. Hey. I'm glad to find somebody as lovestruck at love as me. Maybe you'd want to check out my blog as well. www.juon.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete

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