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At the Tip of the Iceberg

Sigmund FreudSigmund Freud, Image via Wikipedia
I CONSIDER myself to be an adventurer. Not on the physical side. I am a seeker, an adventurer in my mind. There are a lot of things I have written, mostly based on experience but I would still like the idea of writing that is coming from sheer imagination and mind travels into the world that belongs to us—gays.

Now that I have not been active living a gay life, I just content myself with some simple imaginings only I could explore and dreams I could cherish and dwell upon.

I dreamt of actually hooking up with a hunky and handsome taxi driver, who happens to be a gaybar ledge dancer at night, and of course paying him hefty sum good for one hour of sheer earthly pleasure.

One night, I dreamt of being so jealous of the man who happens to be an ex of my supposedly girlfriend, only to find out that he is one hell of a ruggedly handsome hunk. I begun to hate him for he keeps on teasing me and he knows my girlfriend and that we would not last long because he knows I hanker for him. In my dream, we ended up in an exhausting chase—where I was the one being chased because he wanted to prove my supposedly girlfriend that I am not good for her. I feared. I wanted to have him, but did not want to lose my beautiful girl. Then I was startled. I woke up.

Last night’s dream, I could say, was the best of it all. Someone, who looks so manly (who resembles the man in my previous dream) made sexual advances right before the eyes of others. I felt uncomfortable even if others were not paying attention to us, so I had to stop it.

Freud says, what actually happens in out conscious state is just a tip of the iceberg. There are more underneath the freezing water. That sometimes, they come out as neuroses like slip to the tongue. When unmanaged, they develop into full-blown psychosis. Sometimes, they appear as dreams. They become real as the expression of the subconscious mind, wanting to be expressed and released. These are pent-up emotions that are left untouched, neither unrecognized, nor expressed. I realized that I have so much repressed feelings and emotions. I believe him. Dreams became an outlet or shall I say the means where I could explore my (homo) sexuality.

My first dream was about my wanting to be daring. I wanted to tell the world: “Hey, it’s me! I am gay! I am happy!” It is my bravado telling that I can conquer the gay world. I have it in my hands. My reckless youth and adventurism comes out and explores the world! It is my other persona that is bold and daring! It was a wish fulfillment. Although, how I wish I could be that person in my real life. Of course, who would not wish to be rich and get the best sex you could ever have with the man you like. Who would not wish that anytime, you could ask a guy to have sex with you? Anybody, especially those who are average looking and an average earner like me, does want it to happen. But I have tried it—at least in my dreams.

My second dream talks about my being too prudent. I like the ex of my supposedly girlfriend, but reality dictates that it is not the right way. Fear enveloped my entire being. It is an opposite of my being vulnerable in my first dream. And that man embodied my fear—that keeps on haunting and chasing me. I have to be cautious, or just be discreet enough to enter into this kind of relationship. However, this dream wants me to be happy. But the dreaded past keeps on preoccupying me. I wanted to move on, but I could not get away from its hounding relentlessly.

My third dream focuses on my living a gay life. While others accept it as an alternative way of life, I still have the reservation to fully indulge into it. I have already presented my present circumstances in my previous articles, which explains this reluctance to fully embrace this way of life. While I enjoy the fact that I could probably enjoy a gay life, I still hold myself back. I have vacillating feelings towards it, particularly relationships. I believe I am not yet ready for it—I will not be ready for it, rather.

Being gay is not easy, at least to closet queens like me. It still feels awkward labeling me as gay or bisexual. I believe I have not come to full acceptance of my being ME. But I would like to embrace or appreciate the idea that I need to resign myself to the awkwardness of life—that is being gay or bisexual. It is through conquering fear about living happily and being gay, that I could find peace within myself. Then I would no longer have dreams feeding up my fantasies and wishes. No more dark secrets. No more skeletons in the closet. But I have to be ready to take the challenges and face the consequences. Only by being more accepting and be true to myself, will I only be able to find true acceptance and bring down the sail and begin my journey towards a real and sincere connection with others.

But I am still afraid.

Bu does this mean I would just have to live with my fears and unfulfilled wishes?

I am not too miserable and depressing, after all. I have learned to accept my circumstances and my limitations. There is another side of the coin—another way of looking and facing at my situation. It is that other side, which what makes me a better adjusted person, who has a better disposition in life both in the dichotomy of my world.
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