“If you were to sing a song for me, what would it be?” I asked.
“’Till I Met You” (by Kuh Ledesma), he replied. Since then, the song, which happens to be one of my favorites, kept playing in my mind. However, the mere thought that I was committed to someone else while he was showing some affection to me was always a painful truth. Laging may kurot sa dibdib. There was no other recourse but to resign to my fate.
In December, we chatted again. This time, it was full of so much longing and exchanging of intimacies. He said he was coming to Manila. I was excited because we promised to see each other again—and much earlier than I have planned—and it came to a point when we professed our feelings for each other. It was done. We tied the knot, so to speak, and the lines of the song reverberated in my heart and filled my mind…
“I’ve never dreamed
I never thought that dreaming was for kids
Just a childish thing
And I could swear,
love is just a game that children played
And no more than a game…
‘till I met you
I never knew what love was….”
Who would not feel great? He knew my status very well, and yet there he was professing affection for me. When he arrived in January, we finally dated, burned the lines, ate out, though bereft of the intimacies since he had just undergone a minor surgery. We were comfortable at that. The first time we met, it was okay. I must say I was comfortable of the thought that “kami na”. I felt much closer to him, more than with anybody else, even compared to my friends. I gave it all—seemingly, leaving nothing for myself, but my physical existence.
Everything went well, but a sensitive person like me would always feel that there was something lacking in our relationship. It is painful to elaborate, but suffice it to say that something was wrong. He had alibis that I accepted matter-of-factly. However, I could not keep my mind from wandering off—leading to some thoughts that ate me up. I became paranoid of his activities. I could not explain why I was feeling that way. I was beginning to wonder whether it was all for a show. Deep inside me, I was raging with the thought that he did not love me at all.
Finally, I mustered the courage to ask if he still wanted to continue with the relationship. I told him it would be better that way because at least there was still too little emotional investment on both of us. Finally, too, he broke his silence. He told me he was afraid to see me and admitted he was apprehensive of the fact that we are entering into a relationship, knowing that I am already committed to someone. He did not want to go further into a relationship where he will be at a losing end, and he was not comfortable sharing me with someone else.
Because of what he said, I argued that it was unfair because I have been very open right from the start, yet he pursued me and showed affection for me. I did not wait for his answer. Instead, I just gave in, because discussing about my status would just be rubbing the issue on. I just believed him when he told me he still loved me—that is without any pretenses, that it was not just for a show. I thanked him for that—partly because he loved me, but also because I realized I have not been fooled or acted foolishly all along. We parted ways as friends. It was a good closure.
It was painful, and will always be painful when you let go of someone whom you begin to learn to love more. However, I needed to let go, and accept some realities. In fact, it was a realization of all sorts.
Loving one unconditionally in a gay relationship is not possible at all. Maybe only God and our mothers can love unconditionally. It may be a contradiction to some of my thoughts, yet, I would like to believe that loving someone is accepting him/her—warts and all.
Some realities however come into play. We have to admit we have some reservations. We have some preferences. We are comfortable in a relationship that we have painted in our minds. However, this picture perfect images become illusions that are disenchanting us.
We are not perfect. However, we tend to choose somebody who is perfect. We have come from families who have flaws and neuroses, yet we want a relationship that is more than the state of normalcy, or even cinematic to some extent. We want to paint ourselves as picture perfect. Sometimes, we wish we were like those stories in the silver screen, where we can have the power to “live happily ever after.” We want something that is larger than life. When we love someone, we also have to learn to love his flaws and idiosyncrasies. And would that include carrying some of his baggage? I think so, even if it hurts to carry his load. However, we come to a point when we realize that his baggage is too heavy for us. Thus, we leave him on the road by himself and turn to the next available bend. We could not just simply go on because his baggage may be too heavy for us.
Have I become too cynical about love? Nah! I still believe in love, for someone has to believe in love to make it happen.
So I was not so hurt at all? Of course, I was hurt! I am still human, after all. Mr. G is just as vulnerable as anybody is. Perhaps, the difference is that I could write about it and give some meaning to why it happened to me. My only consolation, is perhaps, I am able to accept my situation, albeit painfully.
I am also consoled with the fact that I have loved generously. With that, I could not be accused of faking everything just for a show. All that I have now are just sweet memories, which I could cherish. I am just happy to have cherished the time we were together. Everything in this world is fleeting and transitory. Before you know it, that person you love would soon be gone. Losing someone would always be a painful process, but be happy with the thought that you have shared some moments with him, which would not make you not feeling bitter at all.
When we finally ended our relationship, I wrote him a poem:
I have plunged in this eddy
not minding what lies ahead
demurring the perils of being hurt, cut or bruised
Yet I know what goes beyond
I know what lies ahead
I know I can be hurt, cut or bruised.
Love has found me
I have found love--
That blinded me
That made me more daring as I could ever be.
By setting you free
I am letting myself free.
Letting go of the short but prized mementos
…your hugs and kisses
…the warmth of your body.
But let me say my last farewell,
That is, I LOVE YOU.