Old flame

He was with a guy who appears to be his boyfriend.  Let's call him "B".  in one corner, he was just quiet, and looked sad and forlorn that you want to wrap your arms around him to give him comfort.  In his loneliness, though, he still exudes that charm.  His soulful eyes captivated me.  His thin lips were inviting that I want press mine with his.

I chatted with him while the others were having a party inside the house.  It was just small talk and self introduction.  One thing led to another and we started burning the chat line. We exchanged stories of love and lost love.  We became cyber-friends.  I did not waste any time. I easily confessed my feelings for him.  I thought he was entertaining it too.  We agreed to meet one time to consummate what we have been "planning" to do.  But then, some circumstances at that time did not go well with us.  So we just had coffee and chatted for hours, until we parted ways.


We continued communicating with each other, until I clammed up, myself.  I stopped all my gay activities for the reason that I am not getting any younger, and for the main reason that I am married.  Then I began to miss him once more, or should I say, I was wondering what happened to him.  So I started to reconnect for old time's sake. So I left messages in his YM, until we reconnected again a few days ago.

I found out he is already committed to someone, and I said I was jealous.  We joked about it, though.  But then one thing that struck me was when he told me, "Kung wala ka lang sanang asawa.".  Para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig. Of course, nanghihinayang sa isang posible at magandang relasyon.

I accept that fact.  After my failed relationship with "K" because of the same reason, I refused to fall in love with a guy again--even if there is a big possibility to have one.  It hurts to have declined many proposals even if you know deep within you that you have something for them too--all because it is doomed from the start.

I do not blame if some guys would really have some issues with married men.  They do not want to be called a "querida".  In fact some also have some misconceptions and negative stereotypes against married men.  I do not blame them.  Why should we, married guys, pursue sexual relationships with men, after all?

Yes, it is wrong, and there is no other way to call it--it is cheating.  But for the sake of argument, I will discuss more of this next time, so that you, the regular gay guys/ and unmarried bisexuals become more understanding of us--married gay men.

Anyway, it was just heartening to know that it "could have been" an affair.  It would have been great!  I would have been happier!  But who knows?

But then, no regrets.  I am already happy by merely remembering an old flame, and I am happy the way we are now--still good friends.