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Old flame

He was with a guy who appears to be his boyfriend.  Let's call him "B".  in one corner, he was just quiet, and looked sad and forlorn that you want to wrap your arms around him to give him comfort.  In his loneliness, though, he still exudes that charm.  His soulful eyes captivated me.  His thin lips were inviting that I want press mine with his.

I chatted with him while the others were having a party inside the house.  It was just small talk and self introduction.  One thing led to another and we started burning the chat line. We exchanged stories of love and lost love.  We became cyber-friends.  I did not waste any time. I easily confessed my feelings for him.  I thought he was entertaining it too.  We agreed to meet one time to consummate what we have been "planning" to do.  But then, some circumstances at that time did not go well with us.  So we just had coffee and chatted for hours, until we parted ways.


We continued communicating with each other, until I clammed up, myself.  I stopped all my gay activities for the reason that I am not getting any younger, and for the main reason that I am married.  Then I began to miss him once more, or should I say, I was wondering what happened to him.  So I started to reconnect for old time's sake. So I left messages in his YM, until we reconnected again a few days ago.

I found out he is already committed to someone, and I said I was jealous.  We joked about it, though.  But then one thing that struck me was when he told me, "Kung wala ka lang sanang asawa.".  Para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig. Of course, nanghihinayang sa isang posible at magandang relasyon.

I accept that fact.  After my failed relationship with "K" because of the same reason, I refused to fall in love with a guy again--even if there is a big possibility to have one.  It hurts to have declined many proposals even if you know deep within you that you have something for them too--all because it is doomed from the start.

I do not blame if some guys would really have some issues with married men.  They do not want to be called a "querida".  In fact some also have some misconceptions and negative stereotypes against married men.  I do not blame them.  Why should we, married guys, pursue sexual relationships with men, after all?

Yes, it is wrong, and there is no other way to call it--it is cheating.  But for the sake of argument, I will discuss more of this next time, so that you, the regular gay guys/ and unmarried bisexuals become more understanding of us--married gay men.

Anyway, it was just heartening to know that it "could have been" an affair.  It would have been great!  I would have been happier!  But who knows?

But then, no regrets.  I am already happy by merely remembering an old flame, and I am happy the way we are now--still good friends.



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Comments

  1. i don't want you to be offended sir pero comment ko lang po to at hango narin sa pananaw ko...

    one thing that i don't understand lang po na bakit magpapakasal ang isang bakla if hindi niya kayang igive up yung mga ginagawa niya as a gay guy (you know what i mean). definitely po it's cheating di ba and of course unfair po iyon sa partner ng isang married gay guy.

    pero generally naman po applicable siya kahit sa straight relationship, loyalty and faithfulness ang pinag-uusapan dito.

    hope maclear nyo po siya... :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi Kyle!

    Salamat sa iyong opinion. I will not question that. Hayaan mo, I will write about "my story" para maliwanagan ka.

    But honestly, ang comment mo ay isa sa mga indikasyon na hindi natin lubos na naiintindihan ang mundo ng isang bakla (whether out, closeted, o transgender). May mga misconceptions about married gay men. I hope that in the coming days, I would be able to tell my story (of course I could only speak for myself) para kahit papaano, maintindihan din naman nyo kami.

    We get negative comments and stereotypes to the extent that they hurt us in the process.

    ReplyDelete
  3. life is really complicated, we do not understand things when we are not particularly in the situation or that we did not experience that situation. Others may just have an understanding of the idea, but not fully understanding the situation, more so the feelings involved.

    My understanding is that, siguro yung time na nag-asawa sya, di namn nya inisip na babalik sya sa dating gawi, at that time akala nya ay nagbago na sya at may conviction na nagbago na sya... kaya lng di natin nasasabi o alam kung ano ang hinaharap, at araw-araw tayo ay dumaranas ng pagbabago, mapa-conviction man, pakiramdam o idealismo, o pagmamahal...

    while we grow old, we become more accepting and embracing of ourself and our feelings...

    parang ganuns, ang haba ng sinabi ko ah hehehe

    ReplyDelete
  4. heto ang nagpapakita na walang hadlang ang isang pag ibig maski d same gender. love is just trust and acceptance dba

    ReplyDelete
  5. Gusto ko rin malaman ang kwentong buhay mo mr. G. I have a friend who is a late bloomer. Matagal na siyang may asawa before niya narealize and natanggap Kung ano siya.

    ReplyDelete
  6. @Prop, i like what you said: "while we grow old, we become more accepting and embracing of ourself and our feelings..."

    @emmanuel, tama ka.

    @sean, i will. soon...pag-iisipan ko pa kung paano ko ikukuwento.

    ReplyDelete
  7. salamat po. i'll be waiting po for the story.

    agree po ako dun kay Prop at yung lines na sinabi niya. nakakarelate ako dun.

    ReplyDelete
  8. babasahin ko na lang ang kwento mo sa susunod na kabanata! :)

    sad reality :(

    ReplyDelete
  9. @ Kyle, welcome!

    @Mr Chan, sure...coming soon!

    ReplyDelete

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